Childbirth is so beautiful
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My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I’m Sold!
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl