Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle