What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
😏😏😏
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph