Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
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There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
no cat here
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Perfection.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Attacked by a mop.