Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
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Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.