Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.