My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I’m calling the cops.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato