My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
LOL!
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”