This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
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I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Midwest trash talk
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.