Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
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What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
synchronized noseblowing
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.