Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
You Might Also Like
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I didn’t realize that was an option
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I am HOWLING at this
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!