Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.