The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich