My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
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If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.