I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
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Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Mornin
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.