Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
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*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.