The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
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I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
a lot to unpack here
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
nature’s most graceful animal
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital