The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
True statement👍😏😁
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses