We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
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YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Lassie, get help!
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Hotels are back
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind