welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
inventing words: clothing
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.