My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I put the p in pants.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I only treason on days ending in y
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink