Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
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Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
crochet youtube is brutal
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.