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Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Body by Oreos
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Morning my dudes.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….