3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
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There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Life cycle of cat