According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
You Might Also Like
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
are they though??
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]