Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
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All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.