I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy