Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
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my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
🤔😂😂
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are