I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Baller is short for ballerina
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Buying a well is money well spent.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.