sounds kinky. i’m in.
You Might Also Like
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.