If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
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i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science