“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
You Might Also Like
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
And bowling should be called pinball
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.