My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
#parenting
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?