Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.