CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
philosophical skeletons be like
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore