Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
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[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?