Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
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I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
subtitles are so good nowadays
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent