Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.