Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
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Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
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I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”