Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.