[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Thursday Thought.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia