Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
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the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy