The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
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So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
can’t bark with your mouth full
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
There is no “we” in pizza
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.