bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Damn he played himself
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Spring of Deception
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons