Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss