*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Sing it!
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands