[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
me after eating Cheetos
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭