When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
i love modern commerce
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Real House Wines.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking