WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves