getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
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I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
oh shit
Well, that didn’t work.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.